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Caption: Found this in my drafts and i felt like posting it - this i filmed a week after i got out of hospital and a week before I took off on a trip overseas solo on fo… more Found this in my drafts and i felt like posting it - this i filmed a week after i got out of hospital and a week before I took off on a trip overseas solo on for almost 6 weeks to try and find a bit a peace within myself - I needed to escape, i feel bad saying that especially because im away alot from my kids but i cant be the mother they deserve when im at breaking point i csnt be a good wife because im unhappy or miserable i cant give my all to clients because im in pain and suffering and i cant be a friend because my heads not in the right head space - so i needed to go do something for me do something spontaneous as i was at breaking point I needed to be on my own I need to go be with family i miss go do spontaneous things get out of my comfort zone and try and remember the person I use to be fearless hsppy wild and free not scared not angry not in fear or looking at four walls in a bed either in hospital or home even though im on lots of medication its to numb me as im just on survival mode and have befn for a long time - im sick of pretending and not able to just show the raw me i try to act normal do normal things show my kids and everyone im still me well sometimes and i try and have fun but psy for it but what am i mes t to do ? How do you just stay positive whdn you know you feel like shit every day.. i tey my best i fo my best but I feel like my sickness is getting worse and tsking over me and the meds are numbing whays really going on inside, but if i dont take them i end up back in hospital i felt stuck and to break the cycle I needed to go and do this on my own and be free and it helped especially the weather being in high 30smid 40s daily made me feel warm the beach was good for my mental health and being with and surprising my family my sister my nieces nephews cousins aunties uncle as going snd griving for those that have gone lost my baby (my fur baby) went and did some healing and spiritual things acted like i was in my 20s some days revising where i had some of the best days of my life before i got sick was therapeutic for me i don’t remember smiling like that as much as i did but it was a trip of mixed emotions too lots of tears lots of love missed my family kids and really appreciated my husband more as he does everything hes mum snd dad as i csn o ly be smd do whst i can but im also hard on myself i know its not my fault but i wish i was a better mum and wife and stronger so i could be the hair educator i want to be and do everything i wanted to do before i got sick but reality is this is me and im exhausted but to be happy i need to push myself to live as i have little short gaps to enjoy a little bit of less
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